Do you have memories that come back and sometimes they might feel like a dream, but wait no, that's a terrible memory that has just popped out again to say "Hi! I'm still here." I had one come back recently from when I was 12 years old.
It's hard to write this because I wish I could go back and protect 12-year-old me from what was about to unfold. But instead here I am 27 years later reliving this and deciding to share it publically. I'm not sure why, but maybe someone needs to hear this.
I was in year 7 at a prestigious Melbourne school of which I had not had the smoothest start. We had an after-school house activity of dinner and ice skating. I loved ice skating so I was all in! The school day ended and I got dressed in my casual clothes although I didn't have any close friends coming to the event I knew that when I got on the ice it wouldn't matter and I would maybe make some new ones. There weren't many kids there from memory and a few teachers. The faces and names are a bit of a blur except for the girls. I remember every one of them.
One girl commented on my outfit - a purple and pink parachute jacket that I particularly loved "I like your jacket." I was so chuffed, new friends come at me. I began to say "thank you." and when they began to laugh I realised they didn't like my jacket...not at all.
We had dinner, it was uneventful, we caught a bus to the Sidney Myer music bowl, which was also uneventful. Then we got to the ice and I was gliding and carefree. This memory falls down a bit here. I don't remember many familiar faces on the ice but I remember doing laps and I don't remember much supervision. I'd like to think that things are different nowadays.
The next moment three girls from my house are asking me to "come here." Naturally, I do and then they proceeded to pull my t-shirt open and throw handfuls of ice in. Yep, the old three-on-one. In the process, one girl scratched me right down the side of my face unintentionally I look her dead in the eyes and I know she feels bad and is sorry.
She says "Sorry Eliza." The others say nothing. I'm looking down, trying to fight back tears and slowly gliding to the sidelines shaking my top to get rid of all the ice that is in my top, in my crop top, all down the front of my awkward 12-year-old body. I am shaking and tears are streaming down my face. I sit on a bench in a dark spot on the sidelines quietly crying alone. A long time seems to pass although it could have been seconds. And then there is someone next to me. He is a staff helper, he's older maybe 18 or 19. I know him as he had accompanied us to a camp earlier in the year. He asks If I am ok and I can't remember what I said. I may have said "Yes I'm fine" or I may have said nothing but he sat with me. He stayed with me in an eternity of silence until finally the event ended and I could go back to the school to then get picked up by my parents and go home. And I want him to know that this meant the world. Did I tell my parents about what had happened? I don't know. I suppressed this one well and very rarely it makes an appearance.
Why am I telling you this story? I don't know. I guess it's been popping up a lot for me lately because I needed to talk about it and maybe someone out there has a particularly horrible memory that they have never spoken about and maybe need to.
To be clear bullying is not ok, how it was handled in this instance was not ok but this was a long time ago before all the knowledge and procedures of today so I'm hopeful that things will be different for my daughters!
I don't dislike any of these girls even when they did this and even now. I know they were probably going through their own stuff and my point of writing this is not to make them feel guilty. This comes strangely from a place of love. Reading this I don't want you to feel sorry for me or angry at them. But enlightened. Things happen and they can be shitty but that's ok. It's in the past, let's talk about it and move forward the best we can!
I am a nurturer and my love language has always been helping others. Making others feel heard, loved, and respected. So if this hits you and you have something to share I would love to hear it. It's ok to share even if you feel silly. Thoughts and memories aren't silly. They are very real. Keeping them locked away unprocessed or unspoken does not have to be the way. Love and light to you xoxo
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