Have you ever truly felt at home?
Safe.
Comfortable. Complete.
It's a weird thing to think about, but this is where my mind goes as of late.
I don't think I ever felt at home until more recently.
I didn't always feel it growing up with my family, not at school, and not in relationships. Something always felt wrong. It's terrible to admit but it's my truth.
I don't think I even realised the extent of it until we moved to Geelong 3 years ago.
I must have finally had enough distance and space to sit with this feeling and truly understand it.
I just didn't fit in, or I didn't allow myself to. Not just that, I don't think I felt the freedom to be myself and sometimes when I tried and got a glimpse of it, I was torn down. And I wasn't strong enough to fight.
What does it mean?
I remember singing the song "Feels like home" at an event 10 years ago and in that moment it couldn't have been further from the truth for me. I was alone in a room full of people, I was literally performing and not listening to the words that were coming out of my mouth. I was trapped in what I believed feeling at home was...when it wasn't. A complete contradiction.
So upon reflection, here is how I found my home. Spoiler alert!!! It's not just a house. It's so much more.
Step 1 to feeling at home. Find your equal.
Tinder did that for me on May 15, 2016. I finally felt at home in a relationship that I knew would conquer all that was thrown at us. because he is and always will be my equal.
He wanted to go to everything with me, even if he wasn't interested. He was and always will be supporting me. He wanted to listen to all my ridiculousness and he understood.
Things started to feel a little better.
Step 2 to feeling at home. Find your literal home.
The definitions of home are so bland - one's residence blah blah blah...
To me, home is a feeling. We felt that feeling when we started driving through Geelong. We spent a few weekends just passing through and loved it. We looked at a house and loved it. We put an offer in on that house and got it. That sweet home feeling of warmth, safety, and love enveloped us. We had found a place where we could start creating new memories. A place we could make our own and somewhere it was completely safe to be yourself. It was so much more than just 4 walls and a roof.
Even better.
Step 3 to feeling at home. Find your people.
One of my biggest worries when moving away was my friendships. I knew that with distance came the reality of seeing people a lot less, if at all. I had to make peace with that. There are friendships that will survive the distance - you know those ones that are your soulmates and will be with you regardless of space and time. The others will fade and that's ok too. There is no need to be sad about it as it is just life. No one should be made to feel guilty about how little you see them. Again - friends are also your equals. I never imagined the community of incredible new people I would meet in Geelong. Ones who again made me feel at home and I feel like I have known for a lot longer than a matter of a few years. I feel like I have lived here my whole life and I am so grateful for everything.
Step 4 to feeling at home. Liberating yourself and finding your fire.
What makes you feel alive? What makes you feel excited? Do more of that, and do it unapologetically because we have to stop caring what everyone else thinks! I've spent too long trying to suppress myself behind closed doors, being nervous to speak of the things that make me excited about the present and the future and I won't do it anymore.
If I had all the time in the world I would be choreographing dances to the songs that my kids get fixated on (I'm talking we listen to multiple times a day for weeks on end) and keeping a video record of all of them. I would get all of my children's picture book ideas to the final draft and publish them. I would write all the songs I have rattling around in my head. And I would definitely do videos with my Brother about the random things we get up to and talk about because it's entertaining and fun.
What is this warm fuzziness taking over my body and mind? *realisation*
Oh...I'm home. We are home.
Comments