The first day.

My eldest daughter has started getting very emotional at childcare drop-off. She has also started Kinder and in the lead up to all of this, it brought back a lot of memories and I lay awake and worried.

My father recently made light of something that I used to do as a child and I felt the need to explain to him and mum that nothing I did was to upset or annoy them. It was actually about me and my way of coping with my emotions.

Drop-offs were hard for both of us.

On my first day at Prep two things happened. I brought in my comfort blanket and the teacher told me to put it away because 'we are not babies here' and then about 15 minutes later the teacher yelled at me for spilling glue on the floor. So not only was I publicly shamed in front of my classmates (whom I knew none of) but I was also terrified. I had not experienced this kind of behaviour before and at 4 years old this left a mark and from that mark stemmed anxiety.

When I think about this happening to my daughters it makes my heart hurt. Sure it may seem minuscule but that paved the way for my entire school life. I did not enjoy it.

Every morning my mum or dad would take me to school make sure I was happy and then leave without me noticing. When I eventually realised they were gone, my heart would race, tears would well up in my eyes and I would run. I would run so fast it was like I was floating. It was like an involuntary response that I would do out of fear. Then when I reached the school gate, or the road, or where their car was parked and knew I was stuck there I would slowly walk back and resume class. Sometimes I would catch them and they would walk me back but often I didn't. This continued probably until I was about 8 or 9. Then Bullying took over but that's another blog.

The weeks before Frankie started 3 year old kinder I worried she was too young and that she wasn't ready. The night before Frankie started kinder I lay awake and my one wish and hope was that she would be happy. I hoped I could handle whatever came with her emotions and be able to guide her in a way that ensured she would thrive.

The first day of kinder was also her birthday so it could have gone either way...it went a good way! She was pumped! She was smiling and she walked in all by herself. I cried all the way home haha. I couldn't be prouder.

It's amazing how we pack away feelings and memories until they are triggered and perhaps needed so that we can help someone else. Having gone through something traumatic is horrible but it's also a massive learning curve. I know a lot of the 'big' events in my life have made me a more understanding and empathic person. It took time to get to that place.

Trauma isn't always easy to verbalise to those you love and sometimes they may not understand but please know that someone will! I'm always here xo