So I'm just going to come right out and say it. I did NOT enjoy my second pregnancy.
Its hard to read this back as I love my daughter to bits but I really did wish the pregnancy away. The guilt that comes with these words is immense. After reading a post this morning from one of my insta faves Brittany Noonan I realised that I too may have suffered from pregnancy depression.
I'm not ashamed to be real with you now because enough time has passed and I am happy, healthy and crazy in love with my family of 4. 5 if you include the dog!
It started with a series of periods and disappointment and then when my period didn't come there was a series of inconclusive pregnancy tests and doubt. Seriously how can you take 6 pregnancy tests that are all unclear? In hindsight unclear means PREGNANT!
We were in lockdown when this adventure began so the world was not in the best place already. On top of covid I was nauseous 24/7 and I'm not exaggerating. I had to tell my work colleague at 6 weeks because I felt so ordinary all the time I could not concentrate on anything.
Then it was one thing after the other and here comes the oversharing (sorry in advance)! Nausea, Vomiting, Constipation, fissures, thrush, low lying placenta, varicose veins of the legs and vulva, iron deficiency, nausea, cramping, tonsilitis, insomnia, anxiety and a deep sadness.
The baby was healthy but all I wanted was for it to be over. I was focusing on the birth as I knew that when I had her I would feel better. I could not connect with her in the womb because my body was battling to keep me standing and smiling let alone anything else. Every day was a mental struggle on top of the physical but everyday I got up, showed up and did the best I could with what my body allowed.
This picture was actually me about 70% of the time. It was when I felt most comfortable and thank goodness my girl is an empath and totally understood and spent a lot of time here next to me. Still makes me teary! What a legend!
Scan after scan showed that our little miracle was thriving - she was big, gorgeous and ticking all the boxes which gave me the momentum to remember what time was all about. One scan she was literally doing the lotus position (unfortunately the photos could not be printed by the machine that day) and knowing that she was zen in there was less of a worry. I was happy to fall apart as long as she was safe.
I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I felt the weight of the world - its irrational I know. But it was real to me!
I didn't want to share this with you because I am so grateful no matter how traumatic the experience was.
I didn't want to talk share this with you because I felt for all those who struggled to get pregnant, who would give anything to feel what I was feeling.
I didn't want to share this with you as there are so many people out there with illness and pain that is permanent.
I didn't want to share this with you because so many have lost loved ones, their livelihood and are struggling with the covid normal.
And I didn't want to share it as I thought I would be judged and maybe you are judging me and that's ok because I can tell you right now, no one is as hard on me as I am on myself.
To the few people that did see me during this time, some still didn't get it and made me feel like I was taking crazy pills. So as unhealthy as it may seem it was better to keep it between me, Dean and my close knit cheer squad who had been through similar and didn't have rose coloured glasses on. Love you guys - you know who you are x
I want to be clear that this is not my normal outlook on life, I'm positive, glass half full and always an optimist! I love lifting others up, listening and sharing. This was just my big black cloud of a pregnancy. Thankfully out of it came the most amazing ray of sunshine which was my cure. Maisie's birth was one of the best days of my life and I will tell you all about it at another time.
Thank you for allowing me share this. The truth is still the truth even if it hurts to say x
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